I’m not even sure what to call this thing, but it’s got to be one of the worst sex toys for men that I’ve ever seen.  I think it’s supposed to be disguised as a milk bottle from the 60s?  I guess if you are a guy who has a strong sexual attraction to bottles or bottle shaped things, this would be the male masturbator for you.  The photos of it include images of a couple anime girls, a very poorly drawn penis, and a promise of more suction.  At least the price is decent.

There was a time that I thought I had seen every type of masturbator on the market.  And then I found this thing.  Now, I like a good titty fuck as much as the next guy.  But this is down right creepy.  This terrible sex toy for men has fuckable nipples.  And since its from Temu, I highly doubt it looks like it does in pictures.  It wasn’t hard to add this thing to the worst sex toys for men that I’ve ever seen.

Next up on the worst sex toys for men that I’ve ever seen, is this set of legs.  Note that it also comes from Temu, where subpar quality, misleading pictures, and straight junk run rampant.  Conceptually, a sex toy for men that has legs and feet isn’t a terrible idea.  A lot of men like sexy legs and feet.  The problem I have with this particular instance lies in the knowledge that it’s probably super floppy since there’s no mention of a posable skeleton.  This sex toy for men would probably be more awkward than anything, but might be a funny white elephant gift.

Of all the sex toys for men on the market, this one would probably be the absolute worst to clean.  This terrible male masturbator has 5 channels that all fan out from one hole.  It would be nearly impossible to wash all the lube and seamen out.  And since it’s made of TPE, it would harbor bacteria in all five channels!  Not to mention, the masturbator itself like a blobfish.  There’s nothing appealing about this this male masturbator.  And for that reason, I will be sending one to my father-in-law for his birthday.

I have nothing against body hair.  I have nothing against monster sex toys for men, or furry themed masturbators.  But when they are coated in an actual blanket of fake fur, I have to raise my eyebrow.  Cudos to the person who is making these things on Etsy.  However, I bet it’s hard to keep the fur in serviceable condition as seamen tends to ruin faux fur.  (don’t ask how I know that, but it does)

Exploring what feels good and what doesn’t is something every guy does in his teenage years.  and most of us very quickly learn that if its spring loaded, bolted together, and has gnarled wheels, don’t put your dick in it.  This strange male masturbator probably has its place, its one of the worst sex toys for men that I’ve ever seen.

Maybe my understanding of a foot fetish is wrong.  Or maybe putting a vagina opening on the bottom of a male masturbator is wrong.  I have seen various versions of these over the years, some with the vagina hole in the ankle.  But to put the hole in the bottom of the foot doesn’t seem to make sense to me.  If feet turn you on, does a fake foot with a bigass hole in the middle also turn you on?  Maybe somebody could shed some light on this for me in the comments.

Yes, I am aware that blow up dolls are supposed to be use for jokes.  But they are some of the worst sex toys for men that I’ve ever seen.  I’m sure most of you will agree with me when I say that, too.  In my opinion, blow up dolls are about as funny as anything else that has no purpose.  It would be so much funnier if they were actually usable as a sex toy for men.  But since they don’t function, its just a waste of money, even as a novelty.