A dear friend of mine (we will call her Sam) was absolutely beside herself the other day. She called me crying and convinced that her marriage was over. Apparently, Sam had walked in on her husband having an affair. Only it wasn’t an affair, her husband (we will call him Joe,) was pleasuring himself. It took Sam the better part of thirty minutes to calm down enough to explain the situation. And she said a few things that really got me thinking. One, she stated that if he’s masturbating, then what does he need her for. Two, Sam believed that she should be directly involved in any physical pleasure Joe partakes in. And lastly, she asked me why men masturbate, even when they are in a relationship.

After several more minutes on the phone with Sam, I convinced her that she was talking to the wrong person about the situation. If this was something that bothered her, she really needed to talk to Joe. But I assured her that it is normal, even for men in a relationship to masturbate. I asked Sam if I could blog about our conversation, and she said it might help her to see it written down. So, this article will cover some reasons why men masturbate even when they are in a relationship.

1. Different sex drives

It’s a well-known fact that men and women have differences in their sex drives. And sexual desire can change based on many variables throughout a person’s life. Overall health, age, stress, and exposure to sexual content can have both positive and negative effects on a person’s sex drive. And when two people are in a relationship, its exceedingly rare for them to both want sex at the same frequency. Men often compensate for this through masturbation. Many women feel like my friend, Sam when they hear this. However, it’s important to note the other factors on this list in conjunction with this.

2. Timing.

Timing has a lot of correlation with different sex drives, though there are variables as well. Maybe he perceives you as busy. It isn’t always practical to have full blown sex and timing plays an important role in why men in relationships masturbate. Maybe you just got dressed up to go out and he doesn’t want to turn you into a mess. Or maybe he’s about to head to work and doesn’t want to smell like sex all day. In addition to “right now,” situations, timing can also have to do with other factors. Some people don’t like period sex. People get sick or get worn out at work. All these things can influence men in relationships and how frequently they masturbate.

3. Pre-game masturbation

Many readers have probably heard of pre-game masturbation. It’s a well-known fact that a man usually lasts longer in round two than he does in round one. For this reason, many men masturbate, even in a relationship as a way to get ready for their significant other. Some women get mad about this, and say things like “well, why doesn’t he just go two rounds with me, then?” It’s a valid point. But the fact of the matter is, masturbation takes a lot less energy than actual sex. The recovery time required after masturbating is also significantly less.

4. Self-discovery and kinks

You know that thing your significant other always asks for that you rarely ever do? Well, men masturbate, even when they are in a relationship to fantasies about that thing. However, that’s nothing against you. If there are things you don’t like to do, you absolutely shouldn’t have to. And masturbation gives your man the opportunity to explore those kinks without nagging you about it. You can look at this another way: what would be worse, him finding someone who enjoys the thing you don’t like, or exploring his own desires through masturbation?

5. Sex is exhausting

Most men know that even if their significant other initiates sex, they are going to be doing the bulk of the work. Some days, men masturbate because they don’t want to go through all the effort. Especially if his significant other is particularly needy when it comes to fore play and post play. This correlates back to timing as well. Think of it like the difference between going out to a restaurant or ordering take out. Going out requires a lot of work. You have to put on clean clothes, maybe even take a shower. Then you have to get in the car, drive across town, sit down, order, and wait. Then afterwards you have to drive home and undo everything you did to get ready. Take out is easy. You order, it shows up, you eat, and the mess goes in the trash. Simple. Much like masturbation.

6. Stress relief

Stress relief shouldn’t require any prep work. It shouldn’t require a song and dance, or another person telling you what you must do first. For this reason, many men masturbate, even in a relationship, as a way to relieve stress. This really ties back into number one and number five, so I won’t beat it again.

Ultimately, men masturbate, even when in a relationship, for many different reasons. The important thing here is to not get offended by it. It’s not that he doesn’t want to have sex with you, it isn’t a form of cheating either. When a person hits puberty, sexual gratification becomes subconsciously (and consciously) important. For men, it also becomes physically important. Men’s bodies are constantly making semen. If he doesn’t get rid of the excess through sex or masturbation, it can cause major discomfort

Masturbation also helps men dial back their sexual requirements which can be healthy in a relationship. If it bothers you, talk to him about it. If you feel threatened by it, come up with a key phrase that means, “hey, I’m going to go masturbate, unless you want a quicky.” By doing that, you are communicating needs more effectively. After a short time, you’ll see men masturbating, even in a relationship, isn’t all that big of a deal. Want more relationship advice? you can find it here.