There’s a lot of people in this world who take it upon themselves to dispense advice whenever given the opportunity. Myself included. (see also, relationship advice)  This advice can be helpful in a time of crisis.  Many different social media platforms have groups dedicated to helping each other through tough times.  But when it comes to relationships, probably half of the advice you see is just regurgitated cliches from a time long ago.  These relationship myths have hurt modern relationships by creating unrealistic expectations among couples.  Today we will look at some of my least favorite relationship myths, and why I think they are bad advice.

Never go to bed angry

While the sentiment of this statement is nice, it isn’t necessarily true. Sometimes it takes time to resolve issues. Sometimes, partners need to think and process information on their own, before re-confronting or coming to terms with an issue. Once both partners have had some time to cool off, they can re-address the issue in a calmer, more cooperative manner. It’s okay to be uncomfortable with a situation. And it’s okay to sleep on it. What’s not okay is to pretend you are over it just for the sake of not going to bed angry. 

This is one of my least favorite relationship myths because it can do a lot of damage to a couple.  It can force partners to hold resentments and is usually a root cause of disagreements being blown out of proportion.  Most of us can see examples of this in our own relationships.  Have you ever been upset about something, and something else that happened weeks or even months ago gets thrown in your face?  This type of argument is a byproduct of not processing an issue when the events that caused it took place.

Happy wife, happy life

I hear this a shocking number of times per week from co-workers and friends. While most of them most likely say it ironically, there are a great deal of folks who believe it’s true. It’s usually preceded by a conversation about some event or activity, that the friend doesn’t want to attend, but feels that if they don’t their wife will be angry. Unfortunately, the people who say it, aren’t generally happy in their relationship.  There is nothing wrong with prioritizing your partners happiness. But every person in the relationship should be happy. Couples should have mutual respect for each other’s time and aspirations. Both partners should be able to share in each other’s happiness. Sometimes that means not doing everything the other person wants to do. Relationships shouldn’t be lopsided in the happiness department. 

I’ve found through extensive conversations on this relationship myth, that a lot of households that try to abide by it, have a lot of other issues.  A good example of this is, “happy wife happy life,” households tend to also weaponize sex.  The wife or gf will withhold sexual intimacy until certain things or chores are done.  This creates an incredibly toxic situation and can result in infidelity, breakups, divorce, and other issues. (See also, sex as a reward toward the end of this article)

Relationships should be fifty-fifty

This is completely wrong. Relationships should be everything-everything, but not all the time. Some days, you might only have a little bit to give. In that case, your partner should be willing to pick up the rest. Maybe they have having a particularly bad day and they can only give a fraction of their normal output. You should be willing to pick up the rest of the slack.  If one partner ends up with a terminal illness or a severe injury, the other partner is likely going to have to do everything themselves.  It’s important to know and understand your limitations. It’s equally important to understand your partners. Both parties in a relationship should be willing to pick up where the other left off and cover down on tasks they couldn’t complete.

A partnership requires teamwork and team work sometimes requires an imbalanced workload.  That is why I hate the relationship myth about partnerships being fifty-fifty.  Usually, this cliche is said by people who tend to weigh their work as “more work,” than their partners.  A good example is household chores.  “I cleaned the bathroom which is gross, so that’s harder than cleaning the rest of the house.”  Relationships should be both partners, doing everything they have to do, so they can both get back to doing what they want to do.  If that means the balance is 10-90, 70-30 or 100-0, both partners need to be willing to give it everything they got in that particular moment.

Sex fixes problems

Of all the relationship myths I’ve heard, this one is probably the most dangerous. I’ve known many people who have used sex in their relationships as a way to mask problems. Have a fight? Have sex. Disagree about something? Have sex. It’s actually quite destructive. While an active and healthy sex life is great for the body and mind, it doesn’t fix problems. It might make you forget about them for a short time. But issues resolved with sex will certainly come back later to bite you.

It’s important for couples to be able to communicate their emotions effectively to achieve harmony. Trying to resolve issues simply by having sex is like trying to fill your cars gas tank with rubbing alcohol. It might work for a few minutes because everyone’s worn out, but long term it won’t solve anything.  It’s very similar to the “don’t go to bed angry,” as it can cause problems to become resentments instead of coming to a peaceful resolution.

Dishes are women’s work

Fun fact, household chores are everybody’s chores. This includes cooking, cleaning, laundry, and yard work. There are still a surprisingly large number of men who think women should take care of every aspect of household work. Admittedly, this does work for some couples. But to expect it from your partner is chauvinistic, unfair, and disrespectful. I like to look at household chores as though I was alone. If I didn’t have a partner, I’d have to clean it all up anyway so doing so isn’t a problem.  I know a lot of men out there cringe when I say this, but if you are bothered by dishes in the sink and a hamper full of laundry, then wash the dishes and do the damn laundry.  

Sex is a reward

A lot of women use sex as leverage in their relationships with methods like the “honey do list.” Men can do this too, but it’s much less common. Using sex as a reward for things you want done is, in my opinion, no different than prostitution. While sex as a reward isn’t always executed with malice.  IE, “if you rub my back, I’ll suck your dick.”  This example could probably be seen as more playful than harmful.  But some partners weaponize the deed and refuse to have sex with their significant other unless certain tasks are completed. 

I have seen this happen with everything from household chores, to buying furniture, to participating in activities.   “If you don’t go to this party with me, I’m not having sex with you.”  Sometimes, in these situations, sex is withheld on the spot when the couple goes to bed.  “You didn’t clean the kitchen, so I’m not having sex.”  However, not wanting to have sex, and weaponizing sex shouldn’t be confused.  Obviously either partner can say no whenever they want.  But to turn it into a game of “this for that,” is manipulative, toxic, and just all around bad for the relationship.

You should stay together… for the kids

Sadly, this happens a lot. Of all the relationship myths on this list, this one has probably caused the most collateral damage.  If you and your partner don’t get along and only pretend to be a couple for the kids, all you are teaching them is that it’s okay to live a life of lies. I know a lot of people who grew up in households like this. And most of them hold a lot of resentment toward their parents. They also struggle to have meaningful relationships of their own. I agree that parents should do what they see is best for their children. But sometimes what’s best is separating.  I get it, divorce or separation can be scary, ugly, and make a real mess of things.  But being unhappy all the time can cause a multitude of emotional, physiologic, and even physical problems- for both partners and the kids.

Sex toys are cheating

There’s a great number of people who believe sex toys, masturbation, and watching pornography all count as cheating. To them, I ask this: when you are apart, or don’t want to have sex, would you rather your partner handles their sexual appetite themself, or would you rather they go find sex somewhere else? Because those two options are vastly different. Sex is a basic instinct. It falls right after breathing, eating, and drinking water. Sexual release is a very basic need, and people who aren’t getting it from their partner for whatever reason are going to have to fulfill that need, somehow. 

This relationship myth can cause both minor and major issues.  One of my go-to lines when talking about sex toys is, they are for when your partner does to want to put out.  Which is better – telling your partner no, and then being allowed to go back to sleep, or telling your partner no, and then being kept up for an hour while they beg for, or demand sex?  Every couple should have sex toys, either for solo use, or to use together.

So, there you have it, my least favorite relationship myths.  There are many more out there, but these eight are the ones that I’ve personally seen yield the highest amount of damage in relationships.  Of course, I could also be wrong.  And if I am, please leave me a comment below.