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I’ve learned various life lessons during my 17 years in the US Army Reserve. Like how to deal with dumbasses, how to survive on caffeine alone for days at a time, and how to not get shit mixed by the small stuff. But in all the chaos, the Army taught me things like tolerance, getting along with people, and keeping a level head. Obviously, not everything service-related can be applied to a relationship. Knowing how to sever a man’s torso with a machine gun probably isn’t something you should do to your S.O. But some stuff can apply, so here’s some relationship advice from an army vet.
I recall early in my career when my squad was doing field training about 80 miles from my unit. It was only a three-day training event, and my motor sergeant had opted to not go to the field with us. On day one, he gave all the other squad leaders and me a list of things that needed to be done that weekend. None of us looked at the list until we were at the training site. He had put things on the list like organizing and inventorying the tool room, finishing a particular set of online training, etc., all things that were physically impossible given our remote location.
We finished the training and headed back to the unit Sunday afternoon. When we arrived, we began doing all the routine tasks to close out the exercise. Unloading trucks, washing equipment, and closing out paperwork. Around 1530, the motor sergeant called the squad leaders to his office, where he screamed at the top of his lungs about how we didn’t do any of the things he had asked. We all looked at each other, both amazed and dumbfounded. He knew we were in the field, and his taskers would have required us to be physically present at the unit. We all lost a lot of what little respect we had for that man that day. Luckily for us, he retired and was replaced 6 months later.
I see many people in relationships struggle with this one. Usually, it’s men with wives and kids, and it’s dumb to the point of absurdity. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard a grown-ass man complain that his significant other didn’t do laundry, dishes, or whatever other dumb chore he can think of. I talk to so many of my peers that think their S.O. should keep the house tidy for them. And then they get mad when that expectation isn’t met. You are a team. And as a team, you are supposed to look out for each other. If there is something you want to be done, do it. But if for whatever reason, you feel it’s someone else’s responsibility, then ignore it and stay in your lane. If they feel responsible for it but didn’t get to it that day, help them out.
This is especially true if you have kids and a stay-at-home partner. You weren’t there; you didn’t see everything they had to deal with that day. Before you blow your top and look like an idiot, find out if everything is okay. Taking care of children can be challenging and requires a significant time investment. Maybe your S.O. had a particularly challenging day. In any case, don’t blow your lid about dumb stuff; all it does is make you look dumb.
Anyone who has served in any military branch probably has many great stories about how bad their deployments or training events were. They probably have an equal number of stories about all the fun and/or funny shit that goes on during downtime. Downtime can be a considerable team builder. And being bored off your ass is downtime money can’t buy. My favorite memories over the years were of my squad sitting in the dirt, not doing much of anything. Hanging around “Smokin’ and jokin” or throwing rocks into a hat was boring as hell. But I really got to know my guys.
When I say be bored together, I don’t mean watch Netflix or lay in bed. I mean bored bored. Go sit on a park bench somewhere and leave your phones at home. Or go for long walks. Do this for about an hour at a time as often as you can. Theirs actually an entire book called “Bored and Brilliant” by Manoush Zomorodi, which talks about how the brain works and how being bored can positively impact your life. The same stands true for relationships.
In a relationship, being bored together can be a fantastic bonding experience. Ever seen an old couple walking down the street together and thought, “man, they look happy. Wonder what their secret is.” Well, they go on walks together every day. No cell phones, just boring long walks. Can you think of anything more boring? They are bonding through boredom. Be bored together. Trust me, it works.
In the Army, it’s not uncommon to work long days (and nights) and spend all of your time with the same group of people. This can be a great bonding experience. But, it can also put pressure on relationships. Throughout my career, there have been many times when a squad member has flat out asked me to leave them alone during their downtime. However, there have been just as many times where I’ve been asked to lend my ear. Both are perfectly acceptable. Some people need time to decompress at the end of a long day, and they all have different ways of doing that. Some sit in the hallways of the barracks, poking at their phone, or talking to their families. Others throw in headphones or pick up a book. On the opposite end, some people might want help talking through a day’s events.
Relationships can be stressed by work, kids, money, and other obligations. It’s essential to spend time with your partner and talk through the things that worry them most, even if all you are doing is listening. It’s also important to give them their space when they need it. Don’t get mad if your S.O. cancels movie night to read quietly by themselves or work on a project. Rather than getting upset, simply ask them if everything is okay. If they want to talk, listen. If they prefer to have some alone time, give it to them.
An objective goes much smoother if everybody involved has, at some level, contributed to the planning process. I recall one year, my unit was getting ready to go to the National Training Center in Fort Irwin, California. My maintenance section was excluded from nearly all of the command team’s planning briefs. In their mind, it wasn’t necessary to include us due to the nature of the training we would be doing. Because of this, we were left in the dark, and our objective changed.
As we packed our parts and tools, we did not pack any extra gaskets or seals for our bulk fuel tankers, as our latest information showed that the tankers would remain empty. When we arrived at Ft Irwin, we discovered that this was no longer the case and that my unit had been tasked to provide fuel for the entire training event. As we started loading bulk fuel into our tankers, nearly all of them leaked like crazy. My maintenance team and I worked frantically to make repairs, but this was a daunting task without the proper seals. By the end of the third day, we had managed to repair about half of our leaking tankers using our little supplies.
My commander was livid. He resorted to insulting the entire maintenance section, calling us incompetent and threatening to put us all on a 24-hour work cycle. But it would have made little difference, as we lacked the parts to make the necessary repairs. Had we been included, or at least updated on the nature of the mission, the entire situation could have been avoided.
In a relationship, it’s not uncommon for one person to take charge of specific tasks. Typical examples are paying a mortgage early or saving money to send the kids to college. But in reality, it takes the focus and efforts of both parties to make these types of goals possible. Sitting down with your partner to discuss and plan things should be a no-brainer. Re-evaluating goals over time is something every couple should do.
When planning long-term combined goals, it’s also crucial for both parties to have a voice. People want to do what they want, which may or may not align with how the other person wants to do it. The re-evaluation portion of planning becomes more critical over time. But big decisions shouldn’t be made by one person alone. This is particularly true when it comes to money management. I know very few couples who have the same methods of money accountability. Work together on these issues as a team, and things will go much smoother.
This same concept can apply to short-term tasks as well. My wife and I usually spend a few hours every Sunday tidying up the house. Before we start, we each pick a few tasks we want to do and divide up what’s left based on time. By doing this, we both have a say in our duties, which creates ownership. The work flows a lot better, and usually, we finish a lot quicker than we thought we would.
The Army has never been my favorite job in the world. But I’ve stuck with it and learned a lot of things along the way. If you were going to take only one piece of relationship advice from an army veteran, I hope it’s this: be kind to each other. The world is already full of terrible things, and people do pretty awful shit to each other. Don’t add to that problem. Listen to your partner. Talk to your partner. And always work together to resolve issues.
Alien Love Co is Veteran owned and is the premier manufacturer of alien sex toys for men. Made in the USA.