There are a wide variety of issues modern couples can face.  From money issues to hating your significant other’s choice of friends, some things just seem unavoidable sometimes.  One problem I hear about frequently is entirely avoidable.  And all it takes is a little bit of calm discussion on bedroom communication. Communicating in the bedroom is one of the easiest ways to boost sexual performance.

Direct Approach

Bedroom communication isn’t just telling your significant other when you’re ready for sex. And it isn’t all about talking dirty, either.  For some people, just stating out loud that they are ready for sex is nearly impossible.  Often, this has to do with the persons’ nature.  For example, I was raised in a very blunt household and have become a direct person.  I have no problem flat out asking my wife, “can we have sex?” And early on, I expected that same level of directness. 

Passive Approach

On the other hand, my wife was raised in a very passive household.  In her mind, asking if I’m going to bed any time soon is the same as asking for sex.  We have been married for several years, and only recently, through bedroom communication, have I become aware of this.  I am not a mind reader.  Lying in bed, I had brought up how she never instigates sex.  And that I didn’t feel wanted.  That’s when I learned how she asks.

My wife and most other people can have a hard time flat out asking for something.  They don’t want to be rejected, and they don’t want to bother anybody by asking for something.  For some people, sex is a taboo topic, and they are embarrassed to talk about it or state their needs.  This can become a problem.  People can perceive rejection even when no clear intent was given.  This can cause many other issues- people can feel unwanted or unappreciated by their significant other like I did.

Bedroom Communication Strategies

My best advice for anyone in a relationship is to discuss sex regularly.  Tell your partner what you like and dislike.  If your partner is shy or passive, establish keywords or phrases for certain acts.  Don’t just say “yes.” Enthusiastically participate.  “Oh, I like that so much, let’s call it,” and name whatever it is you’re doing.  This can be a good workaround for someone who struggles to ask for sex directly.  It’s easier for some people to say, “Hey, give me a striped banana.” Than “I want to have sex.” Keywords and phrases can help build confidence in a more passive partner. If both partners lack a lot of sexual experience, get a sex game or book on sex positions and use it to explore.

Getting Information

Suppose your partner doesn’t open up about their likes or dislikes.  In that case, you can carefully mine the information out of them during the act.  Be an optometrist about it.  Ask them if they like what you are doing.  Then change to something else.  Then ask if they like the new thing better or worse.  It’s important to note that honesty is essential here.  Opening up about your own likes and dislikes can make someone more willing to talk about their preference.  Ask open-ended or double-sided questions, like “I really like doggy style.  But I like when you put your legs over my shoulders.  Which do you like better?” 

Bedroom communication doesn’t just have to be about the actual sex, either.  Similar strategies can be implemented during foreplay.  “Do you like it when I grab your ass like this?” Or “I really love it when you push me down and put me in your mouth.”

Strategies for Two Passive Partners

If you both struggle to be open about likes and dislikes, you can make both make lists of things you want to try or the things you really like, then trade and agree to alternate.  While testing the new stuff, give them names to make asking for them later easier.  It helps to also make a list of things you don’t like and share those, too.  For some people, certain positions or movements can be unpleasant, which can be true even with foreplay.  You don’t want to turn your partner off and make sex into a chore.

If your partner frequently refuses sex, there could be more profound issues.  If sex is important to you and not your partner, try talking about it or seeking professional help.  Sometimes the stress of everyday life can be a major turn-off, and people get burned out.  If your partner is giving you the cold shoulder, ask them what you can do to help.  A lot of the time, just knowing that you do care can make all the difference in the bedroom.

As for seeking help, there is nothing wrong with relationship counseling.  It could be an easy fix, but until you talk about it, you’ll be shooting blanks.  Remember to remain calm in these types of discussions.  Don’t turn it into a blame game or a bitch fest.  I’ve found that physical contact, such as holding hands through these types of talks, can considerably impact how productive the discussion is.

Conclusion

Most people want to please their partner physically.  By effectively using bedroom communication, your sex life will be fuller and more enjoyable.  Remember, how good you are in bed is one hundred percent based on what your partner thinks about it.  Finding out what they like or dislike, being open and honest, and discussing sex regularly can have a significant impact on everyone involved.