A long time ago, I was dating this girl.  We had been dating for nearly a year, and she started discussing marriage.  I had never expressed any interest in the concept of marriage, nor had I ever contemplated it.  So, when she asked me, “Do you ever plan to get married?” I had to pause for a bit.  I told her I didn’t know and I’d have to think about that one.  So, I did.  After a few days of self-reflection, I asked her, “What’s my favorite color?” it was a loaded question.  I knew she had never asked.  I wasn’t trying to be rude or snotty; I just wanted to see how she reacted to the question.  And it started us on a new conversation: Things everyone should know about their partner.

All too often, people get caught up in the fun of a relationship and never actually spend time getting to know the person. (See also, Checklist for couple compatibility.)  People are complex and change constantly.  Favorite color is an excellent example of something that can change over time.  It can also change with context.  Someone who likes to wear bright green T-shirts may have no interest in a bright green car.  Obviously, you can never know everything there is to know about another person.  Hell, I don’t even know everything there is to know about myself.  But there are several things everyone should know about their partner.  And today, I will share some of the important ones with you.

Convictions

I’m not talking prison time here.  Though that’s also important (I’ve seen the memes).  I’m talking about things like, do they bite their toenails, are they slobs, do they drive around with the gas tank on E.  If there are behaviors that will be a deal breaker for you, you need to discover this information early.  An excellent example of this is my own experience.  I’m an introverted guy.  Always have been.  Young me used to like to date outgoing girls.  The “fun girls,” so I thought.  And while I had a lot of fun back then, I’m glad it didn’t last very long. 

See, I discovered that girls who liked to go out and party wanted to drag me along.  And while I would usually have at least a mediocre time doing so, it really wasn’t a lifestyle I enjoyed.  To drill down into this example, there was a girl who I dated for a while who liked to drink and party.  Young me “didn’t care,” but in all reality, it bothered me.  It didn’t bother me that she was having fun.  It bothered me that she became a different person when she drank.  And that other person was more than I wanted to deal with.

On the other hand…

Every coin has two sides, and I too, have convictions.  I can be lazy at times.  I only sometimes remember to clean the dishes or do the laundry.  I smoke cigarettes.  I wouldn’t say I like going out and doing stuff.  Some or all of these would be a deal breaker for some.  and that’s totally fine.  One of the issues we have these days is people think that they can change the behaviors of another.  I cannot tell you how many people have tried to get me to quit smoking.  And even more have tried to drag me out to movies, concerts, and other events I didn’t want to attend. 

Likewise, for the girl from the example before, I tried to “help her get her drinking under control.” while there’s nothing wrong with trying to help someone, if they have no desire to change, you aren’t going to change them.  And that’s why knowing someone’s convictions is so essential.  You cannot “fix” someone.  If the way they are is a deal breaker for you, you shouldn’t be with them.

Top three hobbies

Everybody has different ways to spend their time.  Some people like hiking, some people like painting, some like video games.  With a never-ending list of possible hobbies, it’s crucial to know your partner’s (or potential partner’s) hobbies.  If someone with a slobbish conviction enjoys cooking, then going into that relationship, you should know and expect to always have a messy kitchen.  If that doesn’t bother you, great.  If someone enjoys being outdoors and you are more of a homebody, this could become a problem later.  That’s not to say you can’t learn to share in these hobbies.  But hobbies come with a lot of stipulations.

For example, I love to build things.  All kinds of things.  Wood, metal, plastic, and even electronics.  I have a computer numeric controlled mill.  Several 3d printers.  Tools and shop equipment for days.  But all of that comes at a price.  Materials are expensive.  There’s a lot of mess involved.  And there’s the noise of heavy equipment.  Again, these can all be deal breakers for some.  Luckily for me, my wife likes to make things too.  So, she understands the expense, the noise, and the mess.  If she didn’t, I’d imagine she would get mad about metal shavings getting dragged into the house.  Or the chemical smell of molten plastics.

Food, music, and leisure

While most of the time, these three aren’t critical, they can be deal breakers for some couples.  If someone who only likes eating super spicy foods gets with someone who thinks pizza sauce is too hot, there could be issues down the road.  Suppose one person is a vegan, and the other eats cheeseburgers every Tuesday and smoked meat every weekend.  In that case, I can guarantee there will be problems.

 Music is slightly less critical since everyone wears headphones anymore.  But someone who only listens to death metal might have difficulty getting their partner, the president of the Taylor Swift fan club, to go to a concert with them.  That is, of course, assuming either spends much time at shows.  Music tastes can change with time, too.

How someone spends their leisurely time is surprisingly important.  Someone who wants to visit every country on earth might have a hard time with a partner who has never left their hometown and never plans to.  In my own relationship, this one has come up several times.  My wife likes to go on vacation to visit her family across the country.  I don’t like to travel; besides, they hate me, so why go.  I tell her she can go alone, but she doesn’t want to.  It hasn’t been a deal breaker for us, but it has come up frequently, so be careful.

Expectations for holidays

One of the things everyone should know about their partner is which holidays are important to them and their expectations for celebrating those holidays.  I see a lot of couples fight around various holidays.  This woman I knew loved Halloween more than any other holiday.  She wanted to decorate, make costumes, and go to parties.  Her husband did not care for the holiday at all.  He would get upset about the decorations and costumes and refused to attend Halloween parties.  It wasn’t a deal breaker for them.  They are still together.  But it does cause stress in their relationship.

I am not saying you must find someone who loves Labor Day as much as you do.  But really, it should be a give-a-little, take-a-little situation.  Knowing someone’s favorite holiday can help you decide if you can celebrate to their level or, at the very least, be supportive of their obsession. 

So far, this list has covered the early days of a relationship.  But suppose you’ve been in a relationship for a while and are considering the next step.  In that case, there are many other things to consider.  Do they want kids?  Do you?  What kind of pets will you agree on?  Do you both want to live in the same place?  If not, can a compromise be made?  And many, many more.  But that’s a post for another day.  Please comment below if you know any other things everyone should know about their partner.