This month, Alien Love Co is focused on couples.  And what better way to start off a new month, in a new year, than by talking about setting goals as a couple.  Traditionally, many people start out the year with resolutions for personal growth.  But how do you and your partner support each other in those goals? And what about joint goals? This article will focus heavily on strategies and realistic ways for setting goals as a couple. 

write your goals down

Writing down your goals is probably something you are already familiar with.  The only reason it’s on this list is to emphasize the importance of details.  Thats not to say, “I want to lose 20 pounds this year,” is a bad goal.  But without including details, it can be hard to maintain direction.  More importantly, it can be hard for your significant other to support you in that goal.  “I want to lose 20 pounds this year by drinking water instead of soda, and by walking a mile every day,” is a little more palatable.  Details matter.  And if you don’t have a plan, your goals will most likely stagnate.  If you and your partner want to make goals together, each of you should write your goals down, including as many details as you can, then set a date and time to discuss it.

the goals date

Once you both have your lists, it’s time to talk about it.  This is the goals date and is best done without a lot of distractions.  Put your phones away, get out your lists, and remember to take notes.  It’s a good idea to handle them one at a time until you have gone through both of your lists.  During this stage, you can both suggest things to help each other, or ways you can support each other in your goals.  Using the example in step 1, the other partner can agree to not bring soda home from the store.  Or can agree to go walking with them.  At this point, you should be even more detailed than before.  “I want to lose 20 pounds by not drinking soda and by walking a mile every day.  My partner has agreed to not buy soda any more, and we will go on a walk after work, but before dinner.”

The goal date can also be used to discuss metrics on how you will track your progress.  Goal progress should be something measurable.  Having a goal “to be a better person,” is subjective and has no metrics.  However, “I’m going to volunteer two hours a week with local charities,” can be tracked.

Joint goals

When setting goals as a couple, the goal date is a good time to talk about relationship goals, too.  Maybe you want to get married or have children.  Maybe you want to move in together, or maybe you would like to start that business the two of you have been talking about.  The goal date is a good place to write these goals down together and come up with a time frame.  Remember, details are important.  

The hardest part about joint goals is usually commitment.  Generally, one partner- the one who suggested the goal- will stay committed to the goal for several months, or even years.  The other partner tends to stagnate as their commitment level to the goal isn’t as high.  They don’t prioritize it in the same way.  It’s important to tell your partner if their joint goal isn’t something you prioritize highly, even if it is something you agree with.  Set realistic expectations for each other in joint goals and don’t get angry if your partners heart isn’t in it.

Expectations

One of the biggest things people fail to realize is how much time, effort, and even money can get pumped into goals. It’s important to discuss these things while talking about your goals. For example, if your partner wants to become a champion boxer, you can expect that they will probably spend a lot more time at the gym. There will probably be dietary changes. And boxing lessons and protein powder aren’t cheap. I hate seeing couples who set goals, then forget that sometimes they come with time and resource requirements.

One example of this can be taken from a friend of mine. He and his wife wanted to get out of their apartment and into a house. To do this, they needed to pay off a significant amount of debt. He started spending extra time at work and picking up side jobs to support this goal. They ended up fighting a lot because she felt he was either neglecting her, or he wasn’t helping around the house as much. Any goal a person has will come with expectations and its important to understand what they are.

Remember to be realistic…

It’s important to be realistic both with expectations and level of support.  This is especially true if two of your goals are similar, but differ heavily in planning.  Again, using the example from step one, if the other partner has a goal to improve their marathon time by 3 minutes, going for a mile long walk with their partner might not be a good strategy.  Maybe you can change your goals to compromise.  For example, maybe you go to a local track together and while one of you runs, the other walks.  Alternatively, you could just support your partner by agreeing to do other things to get them out of the way of their goal.  Maybe while they go for their walk, you start dinner.  Being supportive isn’t always about doing a thing together.  Sometimes it’s more about affording them the time to do the thing they want to get done.

Here’s a better example to demonstrate being supportive in a goal you can’t directly support.  Let’s say your partner has a goal of getting a promotion at work.  Unless you work together, there’s probably not a whole lot you can do to directly support them.  But a good way to support them might be to not complain so much about them being at work for long hours.  Or by taking on some of their household chores to give them time to take classes that will help them get the promotion.  However, its important though to not burry yourself or forget your own goals in the process.

Small goals are still goals…

Goals don’t always have to be something big.  In fact, many goals can be broken down into smaller, more manageable chunks.  For instance, if you and your partner have a combined goal to buy a house, smaller milestones can be set within that goal.  Maybe you need to save some money for a down payment.  Or maybe you need to pay off other debts to free up some money.  These smaller bites can help set realistic expectations.  Then, you can reward the smaller bites with stuff that pertains to the bigger goal.  For example, “once the car is paid off and we have half of our down payment, we will start looking at houses.”  Rewards are a great way to help couples stay on track and remember the big picture.

Step 3: Follow up

One of the most important parts about setting goals as a couple, is establishing some sort of metric to track them.  And follow up goal dates are a great way to stay on track and measure progress.  It can also be a great way to re-evaluate your support system.  Maybe going to the track together fell apart at some point.  Maybe the car broke down and set you back a few months on saving for a down payment on a house. The follow up date can be used to make modify that agreement.  Hold on to your lists from step 1.  By the end of the year, that paper should have all kinds of notes and scribbles on it.

Conclusion

Whether at work, or home, in a relationship or single, goal setting can be a powerful tool to help get you where you want to be.  Setting goals as a couple, and building in a support system for those goals can have a huge impact in your life.  From the entire staff of Alien Love Co, good luck on your goals. And happy new year!